12 Things You Will Never Hear a Photographer Say

As photographers we are used to reading articles such as “101 things not to say to a photographer”. I am sure that like me, the irony of these being published on photographic websites is not lost on you. Today we are going to take a slightly wry and different angle and suggest to you twelve things you would not expect a photographer to say.

I am not a morning person.

Thats like saying I don’t like great light. Morning, in particular predawn is the very best time to take photographs. Not only is the light often fantastic, there are very few other souls around to annoy you or poke selfie sticks in your face.

I am a Nikon user but I love your Canon.

Let’s be honest, we are bit of a tribal lot we photographers. Your friend standing opposing might have the best camera in the world but if it’s not the same brand as yours, you will barely acknowledge it. Some of the more open minded might compliment the friend’s camera. But they won’t mean it. Really they won’t

Digital photography is such cheap hobby.

Oh the irony. Those of us around in the early days of digital photography remember the articles about how cheap it will be, how much money we will save by not buying film. Have a quick mental tot up from when you first started digital photography. How much have you spent? Don't forget to include, computer and graphic cards upgrades, more ram, more storage drives, back up plans extra memory cards, extra batteries, hosting for your website. Need I go on?

I don't need to buy this lens.

Yes you do, Simple. You can throw all the defences up in an attempt not to buy it. However the moment you hear that bayonet click as the lens mates with a test camera in the store, you know the credit card is going to get hammered.

I can do your wedding for $50.

You would not expect a photographer to say this because real photographers don’t say this. You might offer to do a friends wedding for free as a wedding gift but anyone else you are going to charge the going rate. How long will it take to recoup just your equipment costs at $50 a pop?

It's raining so I am not going out.

If you don’t you are missing some wonderful photographic opportunities. Artificial light punches out of the blueness of a rainy day. Reflections in puddles, lights on cobbles. Even if your camera is not 100% weatherproof, not going out in rain is to miss some beautiful shots.

Sure you can use my pictures in your campaign for free.

Your flattered right? A multinational company wants to use your picture in it’s global ad campaign. Of course this multi national has no money in the budget for photography because it pays its child workers such huge sums of money to produce it’s products. They will however credit you for your work. Tempting isn't it?

Its ok I have very steady hands.

The light has become a total lack of light but don’t worry, with a combination of image stabilisation and steady hands 20 seconds is perfectly ok hand held. You may be right if you are judging that by looking at it on your camera’s 3 inch LCD but get it on a real screen and it will look like you are on LSD.

I just press the shutter button on P Mode.

Sometimes we do, our cameras are very capable machines these days. But where is the fun in that. As a photographer you need to feel like you have crafted an image out of brute technique and surreal creativity. Pressing the shutter on P mode ain’t going to give you that feeling even if the picture looks amazing.

I will only need one battery today.

Today will be the day the that most amazing scene will unfold in front of you. Just as the last vestiges of power drain from your single battery. Don’t risk it, always have several batteries charged and ready to go. Of course if you do have multiple batteries nothing interesting will happen but thats more about fate than photography.

I never clean my lenses.

Unless you are really into the soft focus, lomography style of photography, you really should clean your lenses. You might not have to do it every day, but every once in a while you need to introduce lens cloth to glass.

I shoot Jpeg small.

Why, just why?. I know some people that do but in this day of incredible cheap memory cards there is no excuse to try and skimp to save space. The standard answer of course is “I only ever view my images on a computer.” But what if that big multi national sees your website and wants to use the image in their global ad campaign? You could lose out on a career defining credit.

So there we have it, 12 things you would not expect a photographer to say. The thing is, many of these comments are sometimes said by photographers. Do you have any personal favourites you would like to add?